Day #8

I know it's been almost a week since my last post but I decided to post, weekly if possible so I will able to gather all highlights throughout the week. Nevertheless, I never stopped reading this blog every night before I go to sleep. 

Today was sort of a shitty day. Both of us had a partial argument (did I mention how much I hate arguing with her). It was about me coming over in September to visit her. I miss her alot and I would love to hug her physically for as long as I could. That is the whole point of me working my ass off this semester break. However, she decided to not welcome my appearance there, in Brisbane. Honestly, it broke my heart. 

I think, think and think for so many hours and I couldn't figure out the reason as to why she suddenly changed her attitude towards me. I was so anxious to know and all she said was I wasn't being reasonable enough and simply wasting money. Seriously? To me, I think my money is worth it on her. I am definitely not simply throwing money away. All I want is just to see her physically and give her a big tight hug. 

I understand that she is getting used to the environment there but does that mean she can simply throw me aside after all the things I've done for her? I feel used. I do. But I tell myself that it is worth it. She always tell me that people come and go, love is not everything. What does that suppose to mean huh? I know people come and go all the time, I understand, but in everyone's life, there will be that special someone who walks in and will change his or her life, forever. In my life, that special someone is her. She can't just leave like that. I know she's trying to be mature and stuffs but she is really taking things for granted and it is really pissing me off. 

Earlier today she mentioned that she noticed someone cute in her uni that she would like to get to know. A potential boyfriend she calls it. And that is when it hits me of her sudden change of attitude towards my appearance in Brisbane. She is afraid. In fact, I am disappointed that she is actually afraid that I would ruin her chance of getting a new bf. hello??!!! I am not that controlling freak type of ex boyfriend ok! I still do love you and still have feelings for you but I will definitely not stop you from doing whatever you want to do with your romantic life. I just wanna be there for her. I wanna take care of her, cook for her, make sure she eats well and sleeps well. At the same time, I am able to complete my studies in Australia's top 8 universities. So why not? It seems like a win win situation for me. Although I foresee that she will spend most of her time with that guy she likes, I will just be heart broken. That's all. I'm fine with it. I'm able to live with it as long as she's happy with him. Besides, it's only a week she's there and she already have someone after her. How jealous of me. Sigh

She told me today that she is only looking for rich and good looking guys. I was shocked to hear that because it was so materialistic! It is so typical girlish! I never knew she was like that. In fact, I thought she was the opposite. Don't she realize money and looks can always vanish at any moment throughout our lives?? I was heart broken when I heard her discussing this issue with me.

I would like to end today's post of expressing how disappointed I am in her narcissism. Indeed, she is. She is too overconfident. She is always the lime light among her friends. Being pretty, fun, sociable and interesting, she always get the attention that she craves. But! I am utterly disappointed that she actually thinks that my life revolves around her. She thinks that I'm going to Brisbane to study because of her. How lunatic can that be! As a matter of fact, I have been eyeing Brisbane and UK since day one but I don't tell anyone about it. It is to my disappointment that she thinks I am obsessed with her. WHAT THE HELL. Isn't that too much of self-centered?? Nevertheless, I can't do much but to reassure her that I'm not living because of her. 

Ps. Sometimes I get so mad that I want to throw her into the sea..but then I realize I will save her anyhow. So what's the point? :/ 

Day #2

It is 12.30 am in Brisbane and 10.30 pm in Malaysia. I hope she is deep in her sleep now. Just finished my exams this morning, i had a chill throughout the rest of the days as reality started to hit me that i will not be seeing her for months. However, i promised that i will see her soon, maybe in September. My main goal now, here, is to workout hard and study hard. Save enough money to visit her, there in Brisbane. It is just two days and it felt to me like it has been two years. Time is moving slowly than expected but i believe my answer to my prayers for her well-being is answered by God.

I was shocked when she called me a few hours ago telling me how sad she was and how she missed home. She broke down over the phone and i was trying my best to cheer her up. My heart shattered when i heard her cry over the phone. She was telling me how much she miss her family, friends and dogs. I felt so sad and pity for her but as our conversation flows, i prayed deeply in my heart that God will give her the strength and courage to continue her life there.

To be honest, i wished she would come back here to study but it is a quite impossible wish to fulfill. As time pass by, i managed to slowly calm her down and make her to go to sleep. I pray that she will be strong in Brisbane. My feelings for her grew stronger everyday and i miss her like crazy. Nevertheless, i prayed and became closer to God as i need the strength and motivation to push through life.

She will be going to the city tomorrow and i hope she will be safe and have lots of fun. :(

Day #1

As my dearest and most loving soul sits on an airplane to Brisbane right now, I have decided to start daily journal where I am able to express myself openly to the world, with anonymity. So dear readers, please forgive my simple layout of this blog as my main focus is merely the expression of the post's content.

The day has finally come, 10th July 2013, where I have to send my world, at the airport, as she has decided to pursue her studies in Brisbane. Never did i realize that this day would come. Call me sensitive but it is true. As i make my way to KLIA, my body was overheating. I can feel the increasing tension and fever rising up in my body. Nevertheless, i was grateful that i was accompanied by a friend, in the car, as my male ego restricted me from breaking down infront of him. 

It was a long journey to the airport. Much silence was in the car as my memory flashed back to the days where i spent time with her. The laughters, the joy, the spontaneity, the company and most importantly, the love. At least, i love her. I am still not sure on her end but i believe, one day, that a miracle could happen. 

Without a doubt, i will miss her. At the airport, i took a quick cry in the toilet as the tears was overwhelming in me. I told myself to stay strong but even now, as i write this, i still cry and my heart breaks a little. I have never felt so much pain and sadness in me before. I am so worried for her as she is all alone. I hope she will find the right group of friends to mingle with over there. 

We both spent our last day together at Genting and the moment together was fascinating. I broke down to her in the car, expressing all my concerns and love to her. The moment we had will forever be in my heart and soul. 

As i watch her walk into the departure hall, i faked a smile while my heart slowly shatters into a million pieces. I want to be with her, physically and emotionally. I want to feel close to her and i hope she feels the same way too. I miss her, even at this very moment. I am willing to give the world up as long as i am with her. I have never felt so real before in my life. Is this true love? I choose to believe so. 

This is just day 1 with her absence. I hope she is doing fine and i pray for her, every night, before i sleep. I hope God will bless her and give her a sense of direction over there.